major_clanger | Major Clanger Goes Gardening

I don't know how good Clangers are meant to be at gardening but this one certainly finds it low on his list of ways to spend a weekend. However, our rental agreement makes it clear that we have to keep our garden looking at least a bit neater than a tangled forest, so this morning it was time to do battle with the lawn again.

First problem: I open the rubbish shed (we have two small brick sheds, one was once a coal store I suspect) and remember that when I last cut the grass I put two large bags of damp clippings in there as I didn't fancy going down the tip straight away. Ooops. That was ten fairly warm days ago and I now have two dripping bags of silage and a very smelly and icky concrete floor.

I get out the mower, plug it in and proceed to amble up and down the garden in not very straight stripes. This is enlivened by my mower's habit of tripping its very sensitive safety cut out every couple of minutes, leading to a short wait as it resets itself. (It usually requires a mild kick to get it on its way, too). I was also a bit of a cheapskate when I bought it and didn't think to pay a little extra for a model with a height-adjustable handle. Being a very tall Clanger I thus get to stoop slightly whilst pushing it, which is not comfortable. To add insult to injury, the grass hopper misbehaves for a few minutes and I am so busy trying to think about anything except gardening that I fail to notice the trail of clippings and end up having to rake them into a pile afterwards.

Eventually the garden is looking a lot more manicured, doubtless to the disappointment of our vast local rabbit population that love nipping in to eat the daisies. I put the two bags of silage into a larger sack and tie it up, put that into the back of the car (on a tarp!) with today's cuttings, and head off down the dump.

After disposing of my excess greenery I head into town... the need to clear out my shed has reminded me of something. The other week one of my workmates was extolling the virtues of one of those power sprays you can get - you plug them, connect a hose and they pump the water out through a lance at high pressure. Just the thing for nasty cleaning jobs, so it seems. I find various models in the local Focus and after some dithering go for the smaller model, about the size of a very small vacuum cleaner but much heavier.

Back home I grab lunch then go to play with the new techno-toy. Garden hose plugs in there, narrow high-pressure hose screws on there, lance screws on to pistol grip at end of hose... I plug everything in, turn everything on and venture into the shed (a bit less whiffy now, as I sprayed it with disinfectant before going out. Turn it on (satisfying motor noises), squeeze trigger... high-pressure jet of water carves clean line though accumulated grime. Wow, this is good. Twiddling with the lance settings gives me a narrow flat jet that scrapes an inch-wide layer of much off the floor and walls very nicely. Shed sorted, I try it on our patio, and discover that the paving slabs are actually yellow, not dingy brown after all. It is tempting to spend all afternoon cleaning years of accumulated dirt, slime-mould and lichen from patio and paths, but I had promised that I'd get round to doing the car as well. New toy proves good for removing initial grime and for final rinse, but the middle bit is still the usual slog with a bucket of car wash. a sponge and an old toothbrush (for the squashed flies on the bonnet). Very impressed with pressure spray, but now want hose extension and brush attachment... Clean front porch and path for good measure, finally remove risk of going A over T on slimy and very smooth concrete.

So, Major Clanger finishes the day with a nice beer (provided by friendly neighbour) and:

- a short lawn (not for long, hah)
- a clean car
- a shed that doesn't smell like a silage tank
- and a new widget.

MC