Simon Bradshaw

BARTLET
You know what you are? You are the Charlie Brown of missile defense. The Pentagon is Lucy.

LEO
I'm not familiar with the reference.

BARTLET
Peanuts. Charlie Brown.

LEO
I've heard of them. I'm just not conversant in them.

BARTLET
Why?

LEO
I've never read the comics.

BARTLET
Leo, were you born at the age of 55?

LEO
I know there's a dog.

BARTLET
Charlie Brown wanted to kick a football and Lucy would hold it, except she'd pull it away at the last minute and Charlie Brown would fall on his butt.

LEO
That's funny?

BARTLET
No, but each time Lucy would find a way to convince Charlie Brown that this time she wouldn't pull the ball away. But she would and, once again, Charlie Brown would fall on his butt.

LEO
And that's funny?

BARTLET
It's satirical.

LEO
What's it satirizing?

BARTLET
The DOD bringing you to the Situation Room every time they run a new missile test so that you come tell me how great it works so I'll put money in the NMD system.

LEO
You should put money in the NMD system.

BARTLET
It doesn't work.

LEO
It will work. One day soon.

LEO
There're a couple of three star generals in there. Call 'em Lucy and you're on your own.

They enter THE SITUATION ROOM.

BARTLET
Hey, where are we?

GENERAL 1
The kill vehicle is on a clear trajectory.

LEO
What's the time to the target?

GENERAL 1
Fifty seconds. Colonel, could you walk the President through?

COLONEL CHASE
Yes, sir. Mr. President, approximately three minutes ago, a missile was launched with a simulated nuclear warhead from the Kwajalein Atoll in the South Pacific.

BARTLET
And it's going to hit my garage in New Hampshire when?

COLONEL CHASE
Well, sir, once the missile cleared cloud cover, it was detected by the early warning satellites, which launched an interceptor, or kill vehicle.

MAN 1
[on radio] 10 seconds to SRB separation.

OFFICER
SRB separation is solid rocket boosters separation. That means a high-resolution radar on the ground has gotten a lock on signal from the kill vehicle.

MAN 1
[on radio] Go SRB separation.

MAN 2
[on radio] Confirm solid rocket booster separation.

MAN 1
[on radio] Kill vehicle's away. Coming over at 044.

MAN 3
[on radio] 20 seconds to target intercept.

MAN 1
[on radio] Go flight.

BARTLET
So what happens now?

LEO
In 20 seconds, it collides with the nuclear warhead.

BARTLET
Where?

LEO
Outer space.

COLONEL
17 miles above the earth's atmosphere.

BARTLET
Okay, but we don't have anybody out there right now do we?

LEO
Sir...

BARTLET
When we stay at the Oriental in Bangkok, we have to check out James Michener's typewriter.

MAN 1
[on radio] Intercept in 5, 4...

OFFICER
Here we go.

MAN 1
[on radio] 3, 2, 1.

Silence. As everyone hangs their heads, an officer sighs.

BARTLET
Is that silence usually a pretty good sign?

LEO
No.

MAN 1
[on radio] Negative intercept.

GENERAL
Have we got sensor readings?

COLONEL CHASE
No.

MAN 1
[on radio] Negative intercept. KM warhead has overshot it's target.

BARTLET
It was just enthusiastic.

LEO
By how much?

GENERAL
Uh, Leo...

LEO
[sternly] By how much did it miss the target?

GENERAL
Colonel?

COLONEL
137.

LEO
We missed the target by 137 feet?

COLONEL
Miles.

LEO
[looks at him, incredulous] We missed it by 137 miles?!

BARTLET
When you consider the size of outer space, Leo, that's not so bad.

COLONEL
Sir?

BARTLET
By the way, the words you're looking for are "Oh good grief."